There’s a voice a lot of us know. It usually turns up the morning after a missed walk. Or a weekend that didn’t go to plan. Or a week where everything got a bit much.
And it says something like: I’ve stuffed it up, so I may as well stop.
Today I want to talk about that voice. Where it actually comes from, a time it got very loud in my own business, and what’s made the difference when things wobble. Because the wobbles aren’t the problem. The story we tell ourselves about them is.
Where All-or-Nothing Thinking Comes From
All-or-nothing thinking has its own vocabulary. There are three words to listen for: always, never, and may as well.
I always do this. I never stick to anything. I’ve had one biscuit, so I may as well finish the packet.
I’ve been a counsellor for nearly fifteen years, and this is one of the most common thinking patterns I come across. It’s sometimes called black-and-white thinking. Pass or fail. On track or off. Nothing in between. It’s a language of absolutes, and absolutes have no give. No room for a sick kid, a late night, or a week that just gets away from you.
And here’s the tricky part. It doesn’t feel like a thought. It feels like the truth. It sounds like you’re just being honest with yourself. But it isn’t honesty. It’s an old story dressed up as truth.
When you’re tired, stretched, or already doubting yourself, your thinking narrows. There isn’t much room left for nuance. So your mind reaches for the quickest story it can find. And the quickest story is usually the harshest one.
Now add this season of life into the mix. You might be holding work, family, ageing parents, a body that’s changing, and sleep that isn’t what it used to be. When you’re carrying all of that, kindness towards yourself is often the first thing to go. So when one day goes sideways, it doesn’t feel like one day. It feels like proof.
But here’s the thing. The day itself doesn’t mean anything. A missed walk is a missed walk. Noodles for dinner is just noodles for dinner. It’s the story we add on top that does the damage.
And so many of those stories aren’t even ours. We’ve borrowed them, inherited them, absorbed them. Some come from diet culture, which taught so many of us that food is either good or bad, and somewhere along the way that became about us as people. Some come from something a parent, a teacher, or a coach said once, and their voice quietly became ours. And some come straight from our phones. Social media is full of perfect routines and flawless before and afters that are highly edited and not real life. But when you scroll past them every day, they quietly become the measuring stick.
And here’s the part that’s really interesting. That voice is actually trying to protect you. When you start something new, you step outside what’s familiar. And the part of us that wants to keep us safe doesn’t love that. So it reaches for an old story to pull you back to comfortable. If you give up first, you can’t be disappointed later. It just goes about it in a very harsh way.
That’s the real cost of this voice. It turns a small wobble into stopping altogether. Not because the wobble was big. Because of the story told about it.
When No One Signed Up
I want to share a time recently when this voice got downright brutal.
I started Breathe and Blossom in 2021, so I’ve been doing this work for about five years now. And when I opened the doors for Round 3 of Season of Her earlier this year, not one person signed up.
Not one.
What made it harder was what came just before. In the lead-up, I ran my Everyday Calm workshop. Lots of registrations came through, and eight beautiful women showed up live. That call was magic. I could feel the energy, and I went into the launch with a real sense of positive anticipation. So when no registrations came through, the disappointment cut deeper, and the doubt crept in.
I’m saying that plainly, because I think it matters that we talk about these moments and not just the wins. Business isn’t a highlight reel. Not every launch goes to plan, and that’s okay.
And I’ll be honest about how it felt. It was discouraging. Really discouraging. And that voice got loud.
I don’t think this is ever going to work for me. Maybe I’m not cut out for this.
Can you hear it? That’s the all-or-nothing voice. One launch didn’t go the way I’d hoped, and suddenly it wasn’t about one launch anymore. It was about me. About five years of work. About whether I should be doing this at all. It went from one moment to everything, very quickly.
What brought me back wasn’t gritting my way through on my own. It was real mindset work, sitting with those thoughts honestly and not letting them have the final say. And it was support. I’m part of a business mastermind called Mistressmind, and Bec, along with the women in that group, helped me see that a quiet launch was information, not a verdict. Slowly, the excitement came back. And from that place, I relaunched Shimmer.
If you’re a woman in business and you’ve been carrying the doubt on your own, Mistressmind has been a big part of my support right through my business journey. I’ll pop the link at the bottom of this post. Just so you know, it’s an affiliate link, which means I may earn a commission if you join through it. I only share it because it’s genuinely made a difference for me.
What Was Different This Time
Last week I talked about my most recent personal wellness endeavour, the program I joined this year. And after Bali, I wobbled. Travel does that. Routines shift, you come home tired, and it took me a little while to find my rhythm again.
And I expected that.
Here’s what was different. I didn’t land on I’ve stuffed it up, so why bother. I let it be a wobble.
Three things made the difference.
Expectation, because I knew before I went that coming home would take a little adjustment. Support, because I had women walking alongside me who noticed and checked in. And permission, because the plan had room built into it for a harder week, so a harder week didn’t mean the plan had failed.
And something has shifted in me through this. The old voice still pipes up now and then. But it doesn’t get the final say anymore. I trust myself to come back.
Catching the Voice and Answering It
So what can you actually do when you hear it? Here are three things that have helped me and the women I work with.
The first is to notice it. Listen for those three words. Always, never, may as well. And when you hear them, name it, even out loud: there’s the all-or-nothing voice. Naming it creates a little space between you and the thought. And in that space, you get a choice.
The second is to swap the question. All-or-nothing thinking asks, have I failed? Try asking, what’s the next small thing? Maybe it’s a glass of water. A ten-minute walk. Going to bed a little earlier tonight. You don’t need to wait for a Monday, a new month, or a new year. You can return instead of restart.
The third is to borrow support. Ask yourself what you’d say to a friend who’d had the same day. You’d never tell her she’d blown it. Then, if you can, tell someone. A friend, a circle, a group, a coach. You don’t have to do the doubting alone.
And if you only take one thing from today, let it be this. One off day is one off day. It’s not the whole story.
A Gentle Invitation
Some seasons call for one-to-one support. If you’d like a wellness plan built around your life, with room for the wobbles built in and someone alongside you when they come, that’s what Shimmer is.
And if you’re a woman in business who’s been carrying the doubt on your own, the Spiritual Business Mistressmind has been a genuinely important part of my own business journey. This is an affiliate link, which means I may earn a commission if you join through it. I only share it because it’s made a real difference for me.
Find out more about the Spiritual Business Mistressmind
Missed last week’s episode? Knowing What to Do Was Never the Problem is where this conversation started, and it’s a good one to read alongside this one.